Ending and Beginnings: Happy New Year

 

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I know, New Year’s Day isn’t until January 1; but I still live in the cycle of the school year (as well as loving Rosh Hashana), so the beginning of the new year comes at the end of summer when school is about to start. That is the end of whatever summer adventures you have been living, and the beginning of the next adventure. This year, in particular, my life begins another chapter. We move to a new home, new jobs, and for me a new start to a career that has been struggling to some extent. Not completely, I guess. My career path has just taken so many twists and turns that I can no longer define it. When I was watching Eat, Pray, Love the other day I reflected on what one word describes me (for those of you who haven’t seen or read it, the search for that word plays a big role). I do not know my word right now. I cannot be defined by my career because it is so complicated. I am more than wife, mother, friend. I am hoping that this next year, this new beginning, allows me to discover that word. I don’t know why it is important to define ourselves, but I believe it is. I know I have been searching for something for a long time now, and that something involves my definition of self. Hopefully, as I move away from the negativity that has surrounded me for the past few years, I can reclaim the mysterious being that is me. I am very excited to be going back to teaching what I love and doing what I love. I don’t regret the experiences of the past few years, as they have made me grow in so many ways. I know, however, that this particular ending and beginning will just make the adventure all the sweeter.

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• “Happy New Academic Year & Shana Tova” and related posts (prawfsblawg.blogs.com)

On Selfishness and Stupidity

It amazes me how stupid, selfish, and disrespectful people seem to be in this world. I don’t know if that is a new thing or simply part of human nature, but I have a hard time comprehending it. I know I can be selfish about some things, but it is very rare that I do something that disregards the needs of others. I mean, my own selfishness is about taking time off, letting myself sleep in, reading a decadent book all day–things like that. I have never gone and trashed someone else’s space in drunken debauchery. I rarely even experience drunken debauchery (although I admit to drinking more this summer than I have in a long time). I never could comprehend how people allowed themselves to lose control like that, to the point of completely disregarding the people around them. Maybe I’m missing out because I’ve never let myself be that free, but you know what . . . I’d rather be myself than someone who may know how to have a good time but doesn’t know how to be a good person.

Remembering the Past, Living the Present, Wondering about the Future

I have been thinking a lot about time lately. I have a story, yet to be completely written, that convolutes the past, present and future of the two protagonists in a way that defines them and gives them both strength. That sounds complicated, but someday I hope to make sense of it on the page. Today, however, I’m reflecting on the complexity of time in my own life. Forgive me if my thoughts  take you on a rambling path to nowhere.

Every day I try to encourage my daughter to live in the Now, to focus on the things that are happening at that moment in time and enjoy the adventure.  She bounces from the past to the future in the blink of an eye, and cannot seem to embrace the present.  This makes her constantly worried about something, whether it is missing her friends or making new ones. Watching her struggle with this has honestly helped me ground myself in the present, but only somewhat.

I too, often reflect on the past–either with fond memories or regret. I sometimes think that we look at our past with rose-colored glasses. When living the events, the realities were probably never as perfect as how we perceive them through time. We forget the mundane, and to some extent we forget the pain, and we focus on the moments that make the somewhen seem somehow better than the now.  But, at the same time, I often have the moments that I call “should have, could have, would have” moments; the moments that I wonder if I had done something differently, would it have made a difference Now. I try very hard not to dwell on those moments, but there are times that is very difficult. I find that, being in touch with my past through Facebook (as I reconnect with friends) can make those moments stronger. I wonder, is it better to let your past go completely and not connect with the friends who make you doubt, or to confront the issues of the past in the hopes that you can truly let them go?

I too wonder about the future, but I have no clear concept of what that future might hold. My life has been changing too quickly and taking unexpected paths, so I can’t even hold onto a clear goal. So many books talk about the importance of manifesting your dreams, envisioning what you want in order to achieve your goals. But I’ve lost sight of how to do that. In my past, I believe, I had a much clearer vision of the future. While I have achieved many of the things from the past vision, I don’t know that I have achieved them all, and I no longer see a clear path to the future.

My past, my present, and my future are living and breathing inside me. I wonder where they will take me.

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So you want to change the world? (via The odd ramblings of a mind that does not quite fit)

I keep trying to tell my daughter this. I have to live by it myself more completely.

Any world changing act created by humans started with an idea. So let me present you with an idea.  It is not an original idea.  It has been around for thousands of years, yet somehow humanity as a whole manages to ignore it.  I make no claim to special wisdom because I value this idea, and even model my life after it.  But if more folk actually accepted the idea, the world WOULD change. So what, you may be wondering, is this amazing idea? It is … Read More

via The odd ramblings of a mind that does not quite fit

Writing, Rejection, and Writing Again

Why do I write?

Perhaps a bigger question is, why do I write this blog? I mean, I am the first to admit that this is a blog about nothing. I don’t reflect on cutting news of the day, or analyze movies, or critique books. I simply write what I’m thinking whenever I get the urge to write. I have a few self-promotional things up here, like an excerpt from Giving Up the Ghosts but mainly this is about putting words on a page, and hoping that somebody reads them.

As a matter of fact, I apologize to anyone who is reading this right now, as I am rambling on about nothing. But it is a nothing that I am continually thinking about at the moment.

So maybe that is why I write, in the hopes that someone will read my words. I’m back on the drawing board as far as the book is concerned. I still haven’t found it a home. I know, there are millions of people out there trying to get their books published. Or at least thousands. What makes me think mine is so special. Well, I read a lot of young adult fiction that I know is weaker than mine. My story is good. My writing is strong. And yet . . . I don’t know what the next step is.

So why do I write? I noticed recently that my old entry called On Writing in a Public Forum has moved up in the ranks of my most popular blogs. This suggests that people really wonder why we blog: that blogging has become something significant in society. Facebook, and other social networking sites have become significant too. But why? I wonder if we are constantly looking for connections with others, and one of the strongest ways we connect is through words.

So I write to connect. I write to reach out. I write to express. I write despite rejection. I write to find a home.

I guess that’s why I write.

Electrical Magic

 

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The skies were full of magic last night. Lightning flashes, thunder crashes for hours on end. The world was full of power. It always feels like mystical things can happy during those kind of storms. If only I knew how to tap into that magical energy, I believe anything could happen. But, I couldn’t get past the complex storm in my head. My mind bounced from thought to thought, confusion to confusion, fear to fear. The dogs shook in fear, and I focused on them. My mind screamed for rest and sleep, but deep inside I was also yearning for the magic. How does one reach that mystical power that I know is there?

I guess I’ll just keep trying.

The Power of Sleep and Dreaming

 

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Could we harness dream energy to change the world? I’m not talking about the dreams and goals of people, but the actual dreams we have in the night.

One of my friends commented on Facebook how she has been having intense dreams lately which make her feel more tired by morning. This is not unusual for me, as my dreams are often exhausting stress-fests. One of her friends commented that the intense dreaming has been going around lately, and that nobody is sleeping well. That happens often, where powerful energy in universe affects all sleepers. My night was so intense that I got up at 4 am and gave up trying to sleep for a while.

This strange energy that affects so many makes me think, why can’t we use that energy in reverse? If we could all sleep and create a positive dream space, could that have the power to change the world for the better? I know that we can affect our dreams, but can our dreams affect the world?

Addition, September 6, 2010:

I really think there is something to this. Last night I was having dreams that were disturbing (nothing unusual for me) and woke me up. However, I refused to let the dream end where and when it did. I insisted, in my own mind, that I would be able to go back to sleep and fix it. I’m not sure if I did that completely, but something shifted. That is some powerful energy.

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fairy dust (via Victory Garden Redux)

I don’t know whose blog this is, but I love the picture and the sentiment. I love that she gave me freedom. I love the fairy coming out of the flower. Enjoy!

Just a little note to let you know that I might disappear for a bit.  Three days, give or take.  But I’ll poke my head back out on Monday evening, if the Universe cooperates.  I’m making an exception to my post-everyday rule, just long enough for me to go on a road trip and visit my family.  I haven’t seen them for a while, and I’m way more excited to see them than I was to capture an image of this moment in the garden.  And that’s saying somethi … Read More

via Victory Garden Redux

Referring to Referrers

 

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I admit it, I am addicted to looking at my blog stats. Even though I have not been writing regularly, I can’t resist checking in to see if anyone has visited my blog recently. Face it, the purpose of blogging is to put your thoughts and ideas out there and hope that somebody reads them. I know that I haven’t written anything earth-shattering, but it is nice to know that some people actually are interested in hat I have to say.

But today it got me thinking about how my blog is getting out there. I clicked on the links to the referrers (the sights that sent others to my blog). Now, sometimes I recognize them (like the link to my website–woo hoo someone is looking at that). A couple of referrers are mysterious and some are links to advertising. The mysterious ones are what disturb me. For example, today there is a link to something that ends with “death-to-America”. Scary, huh? I am the first to admit that I question some things about American society, but that is also my right as a citizen. Most of what aggravates me are the prejudices and inconsistencies that people promote as a right of freedom, and the lack of understanding that many in our country have for the troubles in the world. Our arrogance frustrates me. But that doesn’t mean I hate democracy or anything like that. So why would my blog be linked to something like that. I would hate to think that my words are being used by some kind of terrorist organization to further a sickening cause. Or maybe I represent the reasons people hate America.

I find it creepy, like big brother is watching me.

So let me put this out clearly, I am pretty much a pacifist, but I will fight for the people and things I love. I have strong opinions and I am willing to share them, but I will not be used as a tool to promote hate!  I hope people read my blog, and I hope that people will respond in comments, but I will not be used as some kind of mysterious tool to promote negativity.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but I figured I should write something as it is a disturbing question. I don’t think many of us are aware about the complexity that comes with life on the web. We write, we blog, we create, we vent . . . but we don’t really know where our words go. The complexity of the modern world leads to any number of questions. Please, help me anser them: Who are we touching? What is being learned and discovered? What images are being created in readers minds? How do people find blogs? What makes you read one blog versus another? Why do we write?