Memory Receding

A moment of panic in the dark. Where am I? Who am I? What day is it? Why am I? This was just a dream or a moment of waking from a dream. A moment of unknowing that I cannot forget.

Is this the daily existence for a man who lived in his brain, my father?

Just a couple of years ago he was officially diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, after his symptoms took a turn for the worst. He’d been showing them for years, but nobody paid attention, blaming his mood shifts and other difficulties on hearing or alcohol. But it wasn’t that.

It was the loss of his being in his mind.

He still knows us, but has moments of not-knowing, or moments of pure memory. He is still my dad, but then again he is not. I am not with him often, but when I am there he is not with me. Not really.

I feel like I should mourn, but I do not know how. He has always been the person I went to when I had questions that involved the mind, but I cannot say we were ever truly close. I don’t know that anyone in my family was ever truly close.

My memories have faded as well.

It is painful to know that this man who used to  be so vibrant and who used to charm all of my friends, is somehow fading into himself. I never even really talk to him anymore, as the phone is my only contact with my family and he never talks. I think my family somewhat resents my physical distance which makes it even harder to call. My physical distance is becoming metaphysical.

In all honesty I am afraid. I am afraid of watching someone dwindle and disappear right before my eyes.  But  at isn’t the only thing I fear. I am afraid of watching my future. Am I destined to disappear in a similar way, my mind receding back into memory until there is nothing left but emptiness? I can’t live life like that.

I miss my dad.

Thank You for Being a Friend

 

Dew on a spider's web in the morning.

Image via Wikipedia

 

Thanks to my good friend Sue’s response to my post “I’d Like to Introduce . . . Myself” http://lisawieldswords.wordpress.com/2010/10/17/id-like-to-introduce-myself/ I have had an epiphany: I can be defined by the relationships I’ve made and the people I’ve had in my life.

When I look back on the number of incredible people I’ve met along my life’s journey, it gives me chills. I’m not in contact with them all. All of my relationships haven’t been perfect. Some people have hurt me along the way, and I’m sure I have hurt others. But still, the incredible journey of meeting and greeting, connecting and disconnecting, finding soul mates and losing loves, all make me who I am.

Some people have been in my life for years and will remain there forever. Some people have come and gone and come again. Some are merely wisps of memory, but memory is a powerful tool.

I thank each and every person who has ever touched my life and left, with their touch, a new depth of meaning and a new connection. I’ve explored this topic before, but today it has new meaning.

The previous incarnations are:

Dots, Lines and Connections

http://lisawieldswords.wordpress.com/2010/05/20/dots-lines-and-connections/

and Connections  http://lisawieldswords.wordpress.com/2010/04/23/connections/

I guess I have a common theme often. ;)

I am defined by the people who have become a part of my life. They don’t give me a definition, they become part of my definition. And, based on the incredible people who have welcomed me into their lives, my “definition” is rich.

Thank you all! <3

I Am Golden Morning Sunshine

Golden Light

Image by RobW_ via Flickr

I am

sitting on a new chair

bought

to bring togetherness.

Brought home to

create a space of warmth for meals

and chat

and thought.

 

I am

sitting at the table.

Hot chai warms

inside

outside.

I embrace the warmth.

 

I am

Golden sun through gold curtains

enveloping the room

that holds my heart.

 

I CHANGE

breaking free of the black vines

that creep through a fall garden full of

self-doubt

twisting their way around

my heart.

 

I am.

Friend to many wonderful people.

Caring mother, partner, friend, human being.

 

I am.

Woman/girl,

Wise/innocent.

 

I am

a worshiper of golden sunlight

pouring through open windows into

my soul.

 

I am.

I become.

I AM!

I’d Like to Introduce . . . Myself

“”This is Lisa Kramer, the wife of our new Technical Director.”

“This is Sarah’s Mom, Lisa”

“This is Lisa Kramer who has a Ph.D. in Youth Theatre.”

These are the ways I have been introduced lately, or some combination of them. Most often, and most disturbingly, is the introduction as “Nathan’s wife.” Not that I mind being Nathan’s wife, but around here it seems like I can only be identified in that way, and it bothers me. In parting the other day a guest theater artist actually said “So will I see you later Nathan and (pause) wife.”

His wife’s reaction to that was as disturbed as mine was. I love Nathan. I love my family. But I am the last person to see myself as a super successful wife or mother. I’m too selfish for that, and too desirous to be identified as someone or something else. How’s that for a blatant, ugly truth about myself?

Here is the thing about these introductions: THEY DO NOT EQUAL ME!!

For example, the most professional of these identifications pigeonholes me in a frustrating way. True, I have a Ph.D. in theatre for youth. But, in the eyes of many professional theater artists, Theatre for Young Audiences is the bastard stepchild of the theater world. I love it, and I love the power of arts and theater to change the world. I also, love doing theater with and for adults.  My first terminal degree is an MFA in directing. I worked as hard, in different ways, to achieve that degree. In many ways that is the more meaningful degree. (There is a long story behind that).

Also, despite those being my degrees, I have spent the past 5 years teaching research skills, writing, honors, and general education programs. Where does that fit into this definition or label of who I am professionally?

Whenever I ‘m asked to write a bio about myself, I struggle with what to put in and what to leave out. I find it impossible to define myself.

I remember going to a mini-high school reunion once (actually it was a retirement party for my high school drama teacher) and running into someone who I knew when he was a baby. I asked him what he did, and his response was “I’m a dad! I don’t like to define myself by my job.” He said that with a positive sense of identity. He was so proud of that particular role in his life. He had a good job, but chose to identify with his role as family man. I was impressed with that, because most men don’t do that. I don’t do that.

I wonder if my struggle with identifying myself as wife and mother is connected with my desire to see women as capable of anything in this world. Or is it simply my ego at work? Probably that.

I’d like to introduce myself, but I can’t because I cannot put myself into a simple definition.

So, for now, I am Lisa Kramer, a complex version of me.

Does that work?

*******

I’m adding this the next day, thanks to my friend Sue who pointed out that best thing that I can be is a friend. So . . .

Hello, I am Lisa. Good friend to wonderful people like my partner, Nathan, my daughter, Sarah, and all of the other people who make my life so rich, like Sue.

Constructing Self through Deconstruction

Have you ever thought about how you came to be the person you are in this particular moment in time? Are we a product of our memories or are our memories a product of the person who exists in the NOW? And how does language construct the person we are, especially for those of us who root ourselves in a world of language, whether through writing or reading.

Today I am wandering through  the maze of mind, and I am becoming lost. The links between language and life have drawn me into a confusion of images and realities that make my head spin. I am becoming lost in words, and find that I need to pour those words onto the page in order to make sense of things. Please bear with me as I journey into the disconnections that make me whole.

It started with watching Dylan Thomas, 19 which reminded me of the power of imagery and poetry, as well the dirt and grit that makes up every day living.  As I wrote earlier today, I wish I could live life like he did–fully in the passion of words. Yet, that is not who I am, or at least not completely.

Then I finished the book Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer, which has taken me on a complex journey through language, memory, history, time, love, and faith. I can’t really describe this book, because it is both straightforward and confusing. It touches on my deepest fears and some unremembered memories. It broke my heart as a woman and as a Jew, and yet it made me laugh. Foer’s language has spun my mind into a deeper confusion of words and images.

The final step of my journey into unknowing came when I decided, for some reason, to read the About section of my brother’s blog http://taochild.wordpress.com/ (The odd ramblings of a mind that does not quite fit). I never read that section before, and I don’t know why I chose to today. But I did, and my already confused brain went tumbling deeper into a land without anchors. I am in free-fall, spinning through image, memory, and language. I can’t explain it exactly–nothing he said was surprising, but it was all surprising. Nothing he said was untrue, but at the same time it felt like it conflicted with my own truths.

What is memory? What is reality? How does it all fit together?  I don’t think I have told my own story with as much honesty as my brother, but not through lack of trying. I don’t think I know what my own story is. And yet, I constantly try to put that story on the page in words that people can understand. But how can I expect others to understand when I don’t understand them myself?

Am I made up of memories or just this moment in time? Right now I am all the words that merge into meaningless babble.

Loving Language: Reflections on Dylan Thomas, 19

Maritime Quarter: Swansea. A statue of Dylan T...

Image via Wikipedia

Last night I went to a one-show called Dylan Thomas, 19. As expected I was washed away in  a torrent of language that brought with it the eerie echoes of wind blowing over the ocean and the earthen clump of humans plodding their way through life.

The performance was elegant and challenging.  I will not claim I understood every word, but I think that is impossible unless you’ve read his work several times before watching and hearing. But that is what is so amazing about Dylan Thomas. His use of language takes twists and turns so that meaning becomes malleable, while at the same time he creates word pictures so beautiful and yet grounded in the earth that you feel and smell the rain and earth surrounding you.

I had my first in-depth immersion in Dylan Thomas a couple of years ago when I directed a staged reading of Under Milkwood for Durango Public Library. The challenge of creating an entire village of people out of a community cast of volunteer actors was a challenge in itself, but first I had to work through the wonder that is Dylan Thomas’ work. Each page is filled with honest and bawdy reflections on the state of human kind, including every fart and twitch that grounds us in the very dirt that our intellect tries to carry us from.

Watching the show last night, my mind began to wander, not because of the performance but because of the challenge of Thomas’ words. I wanted to surround myself in the sounds and the imagery. I wanted to envelope them into my body so that I could later encourage them to spill out onto a page, taking on new form, new meaning, and new life. No, I’m not comparing myself to Dylan Thomas, I am wishing that I had his power of observation and language. I also envied him the ability to say: screw the world, I’m going to pursue my passion whether I get paid or not, whether I eat or not, whether the world approves or not. Now that is not a direct quote or anything, but his words said that to me. He relished language over love and popularity, land over people and politeness. And he created himself as something wondrous.

I want to live in a land of language like that. I don’t want to give up the world, but I want to become lost in words when I am writing. Even more so, I would love to bring others into those words as well, and take them into a journey of sight, sound, and sighs created through language.

Ah, I wish.

Writing to be Read

I find it very interesting which of my blogs attract readers and which don’t. There seems to be no real rhyme or reason behind people’s choices, but perhaps there is and I am simply having trouble discerning the pattern. When I write about something serious, or something I am truly passionate about, I have fewer readers. When I write about something silly or frivolous, I get more readers. When I write something creative, again fewer readers.

I don’t know that this phenomenon has anything to do with the quality of my writing. Some of my pieces I think are pretty decent. Some probably could use revision. Sometimes I think I am unclear, but people respond. Sometimes I think I’m being brilliant, and there is nothing. Perhaps that means that I am not a very good judge of my own writing. But I don’t think so. I am my harshest critic. And while my I don’t always critique my own blog, or revise for perfection, I do on the ones that mean the most.

I guess I wonder what attracts people to blogs. I don’t mean writing blogs, but reading them. I understand what I read, and why I choose certain things. Lately I have also just browsed, trying to find things that interest me or intrigue me. I enjoy reading what others have to say and how they say it. But what attracts people to certain blogs, certain topics, certain pages? Is blogging about entertainment or about communication? Is blogging a place to learn about and discuss ideas or merely a place to express yourself for yourself?

What is this world of blogging that I have entered?

The Culture of Bullying

 

Bullying on IRFE as of March 5, 2007 (the firs...

Image via Wikipedia

 

Bullying!

The word echoes through the air these days.  Every day you hear a new story or of a new death. For me, recently, each day brings a new awareness about the  pervasiveness of this issue.

I want to do something about it.

This week I conducted a workshop at a nearby high school on Performance Art. While Performance Art is not exactly my favorite type of theater, I think it is an interesting thing to introduce to high school students as it provides them an outlet to explore issues using art, theater, music, and other things to express themselves. I introduce the techniques by using a piece of literature or poetry (for this workshop I used “Ozymandias”). I also brought an extra poem to help out, this time one on bullying that I found on a WordPress blog http://bullypoems.wordpress.com/ (thank you to that blog writer).

The students were then given an assignment to create their own piece of performance art, with the only restrictions being that they respect each other and respect school rules. The results were interesting, with topics ranging from family relationships to feeling stressed about choices they needed to make in life. The majority of them, however, were about bullying.

Now, maybe that was a reaction to the poem I read them, but I think it goes deeper than that. In our discussions afterwards most of the students acknowledged that there is bullying at their school. Some of them hesitantly acknowledged to being victims.

More disturbing to me, however, were the number of people who acknowledged being witnesses to bullying, but who simply walked away.

Coincidentally, last night I was asked to adjudicate a performance at another area high school. The play they put on was Bang Bang Your Dead! by William Mastrosimone which explores the issue of bullying from the perspective of a boy who shoots 7 people (5 students and his parents). Not a light evening of theater, that’s for sure. There were two talk-backs after the performance, one for the audience and one between the adjudicators and the cast. Both were revealing.

The first showed that the parents and community are aware of the problem but feeling at a loss as to what can be done.

The second revealed what the kids had learned from this process. Many of them researched and became aware of the amount of bullying that exists in the world, and in their more immediate world. BUT, and this is a disturbing but, their understanding and new knowledge did not promote action. They shared a story that, after a school viewing of the show, some freshman started teasing and throwing food at the lead (the person who played the killer). Rather than saying something, he walked away!

How do we fix this? I know it is scary to confront bullies. I recognize that sometimes it is easier to hide our eyes and pretend we don’t see what is in front of us. But that way lies Columbine. That way lies 9/11. That way lies the Holocaust.

Now, I’m sure somebody will object to me connecting bullying with 9/11 or with the Holocaust, but what is bullying if not a form of intolerance? It is about someone showing power over weakness, or trying to pretend to have power by making others feel weak. In a way, bullying is human nature, in the sense of survival of the fittest. The strong win and the weak are destroyed. Bullying is not something that occurs just between children in school, it is just that in some ways adult bullying is more subtle. That doesn’t make it any less dangerous however.

If bullying is human nature, does that mean there is no hope of change? It has become crucial for us, as a society, to break free of this negative quality of human nature. We need to learn to respect and value diversity, otherwise there will never be an end to violence, hatred, death (by violence) and bullying.

I hope we can do it.

With more people like this hero, Joel Burns tells gay teens \”it gets better\”, we can.

Another important link about this: http://newsroom.blogs.cnn.com/2010/10/15/it-will-get-better/

And in a few short words, this person hits the nail on the head http://broadsideblog.wordpress.com/2010/09/30/they-taped-their-roommate-and-outed-him-on-the-internet-now-hes-dead/

Writing my next book? What do you think?

 

Top hat as an icon for magic

Image via Wikipedia

 

Yesterday, I was trying to think of something to write and I asked a young friend who was staying with us for an idea. She said “write about a girl who wants her refrigerator to talk and does a spell but it makes everything talk all around the world.”  I started writing. I haven’t gotten to the talking refrigerators yet, but this is what came out. What do you think, the beginning of my next book?

MISPLACED MAGIC

Dorienne always dreamed of doing magic. It started when she was three when her parents took her to see a magic show. She was fascinated by the flowers that seemed to appear out of nowhere (where did his wand go?), the long string of colored silk pulled from the magicians mouth (why didn’t he choke?), and the rabbit that came out of the hat (is his hat full of rabbit poop?). She was even pulled up on stage to pick a card and somehow the Queen of Hearts she picked ended up in the magician’s pocket! From that point on, she would perform magic shows to anyone who was interested. Of course the flowers were dying dandelions, she got in trouble when she tried to swallow a handkerchief, the rabbit was a stuffed animal and her card tricks never seemed to work correctly. Dorienne refused to give up though.

Once she learned to read and could pick out her own books, she found everything she could about magic. With any extra chore money, she sent away for magic tricks. She watched and re-watched Magicians Secrets Revealed and watched live magic shows whenever she could convince her parents to take her. Her parents supported this because they thought it was an interesting hobby. For Dorienne, though, it was more than a hobby, it was a quest. She was determined to find real magic.

But that wasn’t enough. Dorienne wanted real magic, not tricks.  At sixteen she felt that she could no longer waste time on trickery and children’s games. She wanted to discover true magic. She knew it existed somewhere, because so many people believe in a magical world. The magic people write about could not be just a figment of so many people’s imaginations.

Dorienne set out on a new quest, to discover true magic. Now that she had her driver’s license and an old car that rattled and shook, she could sneak off to places her parents didn’t necessarily approve of in search of magic. Of course, she had to tell a few little white lies because her parents would never like to know where she went. Her quest took her to some scary places in town. She entered dark shops hidden between liquor stores and pawn shops that would definitely terrify her parents.  Each shop had the same dusty dimness. Crystals reflected candle light, heavy incense filled the air, and mystical music played in the background. The stores sold strange objects, and smelled of strange spices. But, despite the odd find or two, Dorienne never felt that she had discovered anything real—not true magic.

Then one day she and her parents went on a family trip to a nearby town by the sea, to walk on cobblestone streets and look at all the curio shops. Occasionally her parents insisted on these days of family “fun” although Dorienne was beginning to outgrow the desire to spend that much quality time with her family. She didn’t mind, however, when they wandered into used book stores. Her parents got lost in browsing and finding treasures, so she always had time to seek out the magic section in the hopes of discovering something real.

Dorienne was excited when they stumbled into a store called The Book Witch. Now that’s interesting, Dorienne thought. Inside was the usual tumble of tomes, ranging from popular novels to classics in differing levels of decay. As her parents lost themselves in the section of their choice (literature for her dad, alternative therapies for her mom) Dorienne wandered into a section tucked away in the back of the store. A framed arch separated these books from the main store, and the little room beckoned with the air of mystery.

Dorienne thought she felt a spark of electricity was she entered this area, but decided it was her imagination. On a table in front of her she found a pile of many of the magic books she already had on her shelves at home. Her heart dropped in disappointment. Then she noticed a shelf further back that seemed different somehow. The hard covered leather books all had flaking gold words on the bindings, or hand painted images. The books seemed to pulse with energy.

“Don’t be crazy,” Dorienne whispered to herself. “They’re just books.”

A woman behind her spoke, causing Dorienne to jump as she thought she was alone, “Those are not just books,” the woman said. “They are books of power. I don’t sell them to just anyone.”

“Oh,” Dorienne said with a smile. “Do you own this store?”

“Yes.” The women answered; her mellow voice full of warmth. “Can I help you find something?”

“I want a book about magic,” Dorienne said. “Real magic, not tricks. Do you have anything like that?”

The woman looked deeply into Dorienne’s face. Dorienne felt uncomfortable but was unable to pull her gaze away from the women’s deep dark eyes. They had a little golden circle around the iris that made her eyes more interesting. After what seemed like an eternity, but was probably just a few heart beats, the woman answered, “I have just the thing for you. It is a beginning, but you must use it with caution.”

The woman walked over to the shelf of pulsating books and took out a thin tome with a purple cover. Dorienne felt a little disappointed as many of the other books were thick and full of mystery. This one looked like a chapter book from school.

The woman handed the purple book over to Dorienne. The title was printed in simple gold lettering First Spells. The book felt warm to the touch. Dorienne opened to the first page and read:

Only those who have been invited are welcome to the mysteries of this book. But be warned! This knowledge is powerful and must be used with caution, care, and love.

Dorienne wasn’t sure what all that meant, but somehow she knew that what she held in her hand was very different from anything she had read before.

“How much is this?” she asked, worried that her saving was not going to be enough.

“Take it,” the woman replied. If you are able to use its mysteries successfully, then we will talk.

Just then Dorienne’s mother, carrying a pile of books, came back to look for her.  “We’re ready to check out now,” she said to the store owner. “Dorienne, have you found something to read? Let me guess, another book about magic.”

For some reason Dorienne didn’t want her mother to see this book, so she answered, “No, nothing special” and turned towards the shelf as if she was returning the book. She slipped it into her bag instead, throwing a shy smile in the direction of the shop owner.

That book was about to change her life.

Silence (via Writing Practice: Perfecting Prose and Poetry)

Silence Silence no longer really exists in our world Except in places beyond our reach. The hum of electricity permeates the air. The rumble of cars. The mumble of people. There is no silence. I yearn for silence, Where the only sound is that of your heart beating, or the gentle intake of breath which then escapes again. Silence cannot exist because life involves littl … Read More

via Writing Practice: Perfecting Prose and Poetry

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