A few years ago, at Thanksgiving, I tried to share with my mother something that was really bothering me. I don’t remember exactly what it was; I think it had something to do with my sister. But that doesn’t really matter, what does matter was that she actually responded with, “Lisa, don’t be such a drama queen.”
I lost it.
“I hate when you call me that! Just because I feel something doesn’t mean I am a drama queen.”
And that’s the truth.
I learned to keep my emotions to myself, to the detriment of my own health. I learned to keep things inside because letting them out leads to accusations of being over-dramatic and over-sensitive. But of course, keeping things inside add to the truly dramatic moments such as this particular one with my mother, a crying screaming fest of hurt feelings and accusations that led nowhere.
Sarah is a lot like me, in that she is emotional and is very hard on herself. Yesterday she started crying in the morning when I asked if she had practiced the piano the day before (she spent the day at the theater with Nathan, while I tried to get some things done at home).
“I forgot,” she cried. “And I have a lesson today!” The end of the world as we know it.
“It’s okay, Sarah. Michelle will understand.”
When I picked her up after school she said, “I’m sorry I got so upset this morning.”
“Why did you?” I asked.
“Because I was angry at myself.”
She is me.
So, how does one interact with a person who internalizes every perceived error as further evidence of the imperfections of her own personality? How do you comfort someone who sees the world through emotions? How do you help someone who is hardest on herself?
How do you interact with yourself?
Here are some suggested rules of interaction with this type of individual:
- Don’t call her drama queen. It hurts and it’s not true.
- Acknowledge her feelings and then try to get her to look at them intellectually. “Why do you think you are so angry at yourself for dropping the cup?”
- Allow her to feel things, but remind her that not everyone sees things the same ways she does.
- Tell her you love her even when she makes mistakes.
And of course, perhaps the most important rule of them all:
Don’t feed the Drama Queen! It makes her fat and even more dramatic.
Apr 05, 2011 @ 07:16:24
I am so emotional it hurts. Thanks for this post!! I just tweeted it!
Apr 05, 2011 @ 07:46:33
Thanks for the tweet.
Apr 05, 2011 @ 07:27:23
Ah good post Lisa, I think I also have a leaning towards drama queen. It’s cute your daughter has similar traits and you know how to handle it and help her grow into a well-rounded person, good job! Maybe hang the sign on your door
Apr 05, 2011 @ 07:44:01
People tell me I am a drama queen. Not true. I am NOT a Drama Queen. I am NOT a DRAMA QUEEN!!! I TELL YOU I AM NOT A F-ING DRAMA QUEEN!!!!! *sob*
Apr 05, 2011 @ 07:46:17
I knew we had a connection.
Apr 05, 2011 @ 08:02:35
Great Post, Lisa. There are so many of us creative folk who are quite sensitive and emotional. I am one and my youngest Melissa, AKA:the Freshie, is another. For me, I found this made my perception distorted but now I am able to gain perspective. This has taken many years. I feel bad as I watch my youngest experience unnecessary pains yet in the height of it all there is no reasoning. Then to add friends into the mix, feeding into the ‘drama’ and distortion, to use as fuel to justify subsequent poor behavior. It may sound complicated and it is. Hold her tight while you can. I keep grabbing her back, as she then has to pick up the pieces, and carry on. Drama, it is not something we talk about, but we try to gain perspective.
Apr 05, 2011 @ 09:01:19
Mom’s treating emotions as an unwanted aspect of personality has strongly shaped the lives of all three of us. As torturous as it often was, we are all who we are today as a direct result of her attitudes. If only because we all fought tooth and nail against them
Apr 05, 2011 @ 09:17:13
I think I might be you, too. Also? Boomer’s comment deserves an award!
Apr 05, 2011 @ 09:46:00
I agree! What award shall we give her?
Apr 05, 2011 @ 11:34:31
Ugh, it annoys me to no end when my dad calls me a drama queen. I just want to stomp my foot and scream and cry at him…which doesn’t actually help my case. But it’s true. It really makes me mad when he calls me dramatic or a drama queen because I feel like my opinions/thoughts/emotions are utterly devalued in that one little moment it takes for him to use the phrase. Cuts me to my core. What’s worse is being called a drama queen when you’re really not even being dramatic. There was once when I was trying to impress upon my father just how truly terrible the job market is right now for academics. He shook his head, rolled his eyes and said, “Amanda, quit being so damned dramatic. You haven’t even tried to go on the market yet. You won’t know until you try.” Fortunately for me (and for my dad) Robert was right there. So he jumped in, rescued me, and affirmed what I had just told my dad. While I sat there and cried big, fat, hot angry tears.
My dad’s response to Robert’s claim that the academic job market is horrid and has been horrid for at least forty years? “Wow…that’s really tough, then. Maybe she [referring to his sobbing daughter directly in front of him] should cast her net wider.”
How is one NOT supposed to respond dramatically to treatment like that? Lol.
Apr 05, 2011 @ 11:45:48
LOL. They don’t understand that they bring the drama out in us by negating the validity of our feelings. Emotional people unite! We need to create a new phrase to define us.
Apr 05, 2011 @ 11:48:13
So, SAVE THE DRAMA FOR YOUR MOMMA…wouldn’t be appreciated?
hey, when I did your shout out on adding you to my community, I think I titled it This Blogger is full of Drama or something like that…as a play on words since you direct theater. I feel a little weird now. Hopefully, I didn’t upset you?
Shoot, I share my feelings all the time. I probably should keep more things to myself. I say exactly what I’m thinking…not always a good thing. I do try to filter it, occasionally, but not always.
Sandi
http://www.ahhsome.wordpress.com
Apr 05, 2011 @ 11:53:57
Actually Sandi, I think you titled it “This Blogger is Such a Drama Queen”. LOL! But don’t feel weird about it, I knew where you were coming from with that and I was just grateful that you thought I was interesting. The Idiot wanted to give me the nickname Drama Queen, but I nixed that because I do have issues with the phrase in the larger context. He still hasn’t figured out a nickname for me. I think I scared him off of it.
I share my feelings when I really trust someone. Although, I think I’ve been sharing my real feelings more and more in this blog. Does that mean I trust the blogosphere or simply don’t care if someone thinks I’m a drama queen when I don’t know them? I think it is more that, if they think I am really just a drama queen, they won’t be back to read again. If they respond honestly to my honest, then I think it validates feelings we all have that we are afraid to share.
Apr 05, 2011 @ 15:28:07
Great post!
Call it kismet or karma or whatever, but your reply to Sandi’s comment above really resonated with me. At lunch today, my friend said she loves that I’m blogging because she thinks it’s helping me to be more open and vulnerable, which is my current self-improvement project.
Maybe it’s because I, like you, trust the blogosphere. Or maybe the blogosphere is “safe” in its hands-off, no face-to-face interaction. (I have a harder time sharing my feelings with the people closest to me.) Whatever the reason, I’ve found that this blogging community excels at empathy. And the compassion that comes with empathy creates a great connection.
As for the “Drama Queen” moniker, I agree with your reply to Kaye. The only true drama queens are those who make the world all about them. It’s a derogatory term and I believe you’re right to be offended by it. You’re not a drama queen at all.
Apr 05, 2011 @ 13:50:45
Did you slip into my mind when I wasn’t watching? You hit the nail on the head with this one. Its one my biggest pet peeves. Being the only girl with 3 older brothers and interested in theatre I got called this all the time by my family, it annoyed me to no end, which would usually end in me blowing up at everyone.
There are times when I share too much and then there are times when I don’t share enough. Its a balance I’m still trying to find.
Apr 05, 2011 @ 15:03:04
I think that people assume that an interest in theater means that you are automatically a drama queen, especially the one’s who don’t understand theater. But, the only true drama queens I know are the people who make the world always about them, no the people who feel a lot about things that happen in the world.
Apr 05, 2011 @ 15:21:15
I used to be overly sensitive . . . and create unnecessary drama in my life. I used to care what everyone else thought of me . . . and not enough about what I thought of me.
Once I started mindfully observing my thoughts, I changed.
If someone criticizes me (unfairly), I let it roll off my back without internalizing it. It’s just their opinion and nothing to get hung about. THEY DON’T KNOW ME the way I know me.
If I start feeling upset, I step back and observe my thoughts without getting caught up in them. I decide how to ACT rather than just RE-ACTING based on old triggers or buttons that someone is pressing.
When my Inner Critic starts harping on the ONE THING that I did wrong that day (like failing to practice), I remind myself of all the things that I did exactly right.
When we practice mindfulness, day in and day out, life gets infinitely easier because pebbles do not become boulders.
If you’re interested:
http://nrhatch.wordpress.com/2011/01/31/better-thoughts-better-results/
Apr 05, 2011 @ 23:21:11
Good rules to live by!
I agree, stuffing the feelings doesn’t help. Being encouraging and validating, is far more productive.
I live in a house full of boys, not much drama. I’m pretty low key, so it works.
Apr 07, 2011 @ 00:22:53
I hate it when people dismiss a legitimate argument or concern with a trite saying or idiom like, “Don’t be a drama queen.” For some people it becomes an automatic response to counter all arguments and they never have to think through anything.
Apr 07, 2011 @ 07:09:41
Excellent point. I love your blog title, I’ll be by to visit soon. Thanks for your comment.