4:23 AM and Nathan is not home.
I can’t sleep. I woke up just after 3 am to notice the gaping emptiness of the bed next to me, and I could not go back to sleep.
He started working at 8 AM yesterday morning, and as far as I know he is still working.
Nathan is an incredibly talented designer as well as an incredible technical director. He is one of the hardest working people I know. He can’t stop. Where I have the ability tendency to embrace laziness in between bursts of activity, he is always doing something. He loves to cook, so he does most of the cooking. I hate laundry (plus we have to go to a laundromat for the time being) so he does the laundry. Lest you think I do nothing, I tend to be the cleaner/organizer. I keep track of the schedules and the bills. But he does a lot of the stuff around the house because he cannot be still.
And, to be honest, because he cannot say “No.” Nor does he stand up for himself even if it is the saner option. His attitude seems to be “If that is what you want, I’ll make it happen. I’ll find a way how.”
That’s a wonderful thing, except when his willingness to give everyone the ideal leads to 4:30 in the morning. That is when mistakes and injuries can occur–and often those happen to him.
I can’t sleep.
That explains this moment. He is still at the theater after putting up an unrealistically huge and (in my opinion) unrealistically expensive set in one day, he now (I assume) is finessing the lights for his design. Yes, it is his job, and the set needed to happen. But the problem lies in the fact that this huge set is not really a theater set. In your typical theater set you use flats and less expensive material in order to create an illusion of the real locations. But the designer of this set (who is from somewhere else) as well as the producer of this festival insisted on REAL material and SOLID construction. To be fair, Nathan expressed concern and objected, but in typical fashion he backed down and gave in. That would have been okay except for a few unexpected glitches in the plan 1) the person who was supposed to take on sections of the set to help build them had a family emergency; 2) the designer chose not to come and help (because this was not a paid design); 3) the technical assistance that he was hoping to get from some people we have worked with in the past fell through because nobody wanted to work for free (surprise, surprise) and 4) some of the students here seem to think that scholarship hours are optional and he has basically been building the entire thing himself.
Wait . . . 4:41 AM and the door just opened. He’s home, exhausted and not thinking straight. He just said, “I’m not done. The patch is wrong. The stage isn’t cleared. They need to be on the stage at 9:30. I have to go back by 8am.”
Not taken just now, but . . .
Then he started babbling listing things yet to do–not all of which he should have to deal with.
I was intending this post to be only about how wonderful Nathan is, but it seems to be turning into a little rant. I apologize for that. Nathan is a kind husband, father, and my best friend. He is a gentle man who loves simple and sometimes silly things. But, perhaps his fatal flaw is wanting to please everybody and losing himself in the process. Tonight is an excellent example.
Looks like I’m about to put on my Super Woman outfit and protect my family. I will try to step into his shoes for a little while so that the poor man can sleep. I also might have to step in and plead for some sanity instead of the “Inge-sanity” that seems to rule right now. As I just posted in Facebook: “Ingesanity + Ingesomina=One Very Angry Woman.
This should be interesting.
Apr 16, 2011 @ 06:01:35
Some of us are very fortunate to have “Nathans” in our lives.
Apr 16, 2011 @ 06:01:43
Maybe now you can take a nap. I was so surprised by this early am post. Wishing you both, all the best!
Apr 16, 2011 @ 06:13:20
Your instincts are right, Nathan is one of life’s pleasers. I used to be and boy was it tough, not just for me but for everyone around me as you can’t please everyone all of the time can you? Something has to give eventually and it usually results in an explosion of temper that seemingly comes from nowhere at all. But this is a build up of resentment that has resulted in saying yes all the time and not being able to give yourself adequate boundaries and enough self esteem to ask for what you want in the equation. ( in Nathan’s case that would have been a safe and do-able job).After the outburst, comes guilt and back to the pleasing behaviour again and it cycles over and over.
I suspect like most pleasers, Nathan’s ( seemingly lovely but you know the dark side) need to please may come from a difficult family background where one or both parents may have been emotionally unavailable.
I’m sharing this with you out of compassion, not by any means trying to judge, it’s just that I was Nathan once and I broke free from the chains of pleasing and embraced the freedom to say NO! without guilt .
Apr 16, 2011 @ 06:16:57
I’ll be interested to see what he says to that, or if he even replies (because he will read this post I’m sure). I’m not going to comment on the family issue because it is his story, not mine, and I only have assumptions not evidence. I am a people pleaser too, to some degree, but the lioness in me comes out when it comes to protecting my family.
Apr 16, 2011 @ 21:56:38
I really liked this post, you should rant more often.
Seriously, I really enjoy the family posts about life. Those are my favorite as it gives us an insight to you and the different life/job you lead. I know nothing about theater lifestyle. I’m learning from what I read on blogs like yours. I’ve always had the normal 8-5 administrative business job, and my husband is the salesman that works all hours, but flexible for the kids, but lots of time with him gone like a week at a time…just to leave 3 days later for another 3 days!
I’m almost getting used to his trips. (almost.)
So, it’s interesting to read those who’s lives differ, and they are just as busy, but in a different way! I hope Nathan gets rest soon!
Sandi
http://www.ahhsome.wordpress.com
Apr 21, 2011 @ 18:53:59
Oh, Lisa, I am so moved that you would say such lovely things about me and my work. Once again, let’s lift up our glasses–”To the community of women!”
Apr 21, 2011 @ 19:47:57
My words were from the heart. “To the community of women!”
Jan 05, 2012 @ 15:08:27
Yikes. I hope things have since improved. I too am a pleaser and often don’t know how to get myself out of situations. Your rant is perfectly understandable though.