I am sorry if you think I hate you. I don’t. I have struggled in my time here, but only because of my own problems not because of you.
I recognize the many wonderful things about you. I’ve been so impressed by the volunteerism in this community, from helping with arts programming to giving time and supplies after natural disasters, this community supports each other. I’ve met incredible people here, especially some lovely women who have become the woman I want to be, living vibrant fulfilled lives fighting for what they believe in, and creating what they want to see happen. I have had great opportunities here, to do interesting work with wonderful people.
Yet, some believe that I hate everything about Kansas. I don’t. I have struggled a little because I am extremely liberal, and most of Kansas is not. I’m to blame there. I have struggled a little with some sexism, but I can face that anywhere. I have struggled a little because of loneliness, when a high pressure job took my partner’s complete attention. That’s not Kansas’ fault. I have struggled a little because I am very different. Perhaps that is my fault too. I’m sorry if you think I’ve expressed hate when exploring these topics on my blog, because that was not my intent. My intent was to explore the issues I don’t understand and try to understand them. As I wrote in a recent post:
As I provided the details of my life I had the first revelation–I am happy with many of the professional experiences I’ve had this year. True, some things (like the classes from hell and the battle between athletics and the arts) made life a cruel challenge. But, on a personal and professional growth level, I’ve learned so much this year and it has been more successful than some of my experiences in Durango.
Several of the people I’ve talked to have asked why I am not happy. What’s wrong with Kansas?
I can’t fully answer that question except to say that it is not home. I do not feel like I match the place. But, if home is “what we cobble together out of our changing selves” could I turn the place into home? Well, it is possible, but I don’t know that I will ever fully succeed.
So please forgive me, Kansas, for not being able to make you home. Sometimes people and places simply do not fit together. But, that does not mean I won’t hold you as special in my heart. For this was the year, I made wonderful friends. This was the year, I created art. This was the year, I discovered my strengths and my weaknesses as a person. This was the year, I learned to follow my heart.
I couldn’t have done that without you, Kansas. So, if I have insulted you in any way, or made you feel disrespected, I am truly sorry. You will never be forgotten.
Lisa, the confused transplant from Massachusetts