Ever since I wrote the post “Write it ‘Right’” and Other Reasons to Write last week something surprising has been happening, and I’m not sure it is a good thing.
I’ve been very conscious (if not obsessively so) about my eating, and in general I have done well. Of course, the Superbowl gathering yesterday distracted me with decadent temptations and when I spent the afternoon with a good friend on Saturday I found my hand straying to the potato chips one too many times. However, I am pretty proud of how I’ve been eating, and I am learning about myself with these bumps in the road. So that’s good.
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When I’ve had cravings, I’ve written in my journal. I’ve thought about why I want to eat, and why I crave certain foods. I’ve begun to recognize the patterns and flaws as well as the challenges I face. So that’s good.
I’ve exercised every day except Saturday in some form or another. (I intended to on Saturday, it just never happened, but driving burns calories too you know 
). I have a plan to incorporate at least 1/2 hour of walking every day. I just got back from a brisk walk where I didn’t hide behind my iPod. I just listened to the rhythm of my feet, the birds, the wind, and my own inner monologue (which isn’t the most pleasant at the moment). It’s hard and scary, but I feel like I can do this. So that’s good.
The first thing I do in the morning is grab my pen and start writing my Morning Pages. I try not to censor myself. I try to be brutally honest. I try to let the words flow, and find the sense of calm that comes from just letting it all out there. It is sometimes a struggle, partially because of distractions (I have to write before Sarah wakes and when the dogs are otherwise occupied) and partially when I hit on something so honest it hurts. But I’m doing it, and learning things, and facing things . . . So that’s good.
I’m sure by now you are wondering “where’s the bad?” The bad lies in the fact that I may be writing, but I don’t feel like I am writing anything worth sharing. I may be creating, but I am not creating anything exciting. I may be doing, but I am not doing anything that feels valid. I am obsessing about food and exercise. I am keeping my journal up-to-date. I am keeping a food log. But I am lost in terms of projects and blogs.
I know, someone is bound to say “You just started, give it time.” And you are right. But I also realize that one of the things I need to overcome to succeed at any of my dreams is my impatience. When the weight does not come off fast enough, I get frustrated and give up. When I was unable to find a publisher for my book, I got frustrated and gave up. When the projects I start seem too hard or intimidating or time-consuming, lately I get frustrated and give up.
I haven’t always been this way. I used to take on a challenge and go! go! go! until it was complete. I finished my complete doctorate in three years including researching and writing my dissertation, as well as planning a wedding and getting married in the middle of it. As part of my graduate assistant-ship I organized a three-day performance festival that reached hundreds of children in the Phoenix area, and while I didn’t do it alone my “boss” was useless and I still pulled it off. I’ve written a book and over 500 blog posts, as well as numerous academic papers and articles. I’ve directed shows and come in under-budget almost every time. I could keep brainstorming the list in this paragraph till it grows unwieldy, but the whole point is that I have not always been the person who gives up.
So why do I feel like I can’t finish anything now? Why do I feel so lost in who and what I am and what I am able to do? Why do I feel like I will eventually, just give up?
I don’t want to give up anymore. I don’t want to be angry at myself anymore. I don’t want to dislike myself anymore.
I want to be happy! This doesn’t mean I need to be rich, or thin, or famous, or anything like that. It simply means that I want to wake up in the morning knowing that I will feel proud at the end of the day. I want to take on projects that feel fulfilling and touch people in positive ways. I want to leave a positive footprint in my life and on this earth. I want to know that I can accomplish any challenges I put to myself. I want to have hope.
Looking for hope at the end of a rainbow
That’s a good thing, isn’t it?
Feb 06, 2012 @ 11:22:33
Ok first of all, do not beat yourself up for having a few crisps (chips), life is way too short! I really think when you’re truly passionate about a project you will finish it. Like you say, you can do this, you’ve done it before what seems to be missing now is that spark to set you off. I wish I could light it for you. But you should have hope it, it will come I know it if you keep searching for it.
Feb 06, 2012 @ 11:35:16
Crisps sounds so much healthier than chips. Tee hee hee! I’m not really beating myself up over them, eating them made me realize one of my eating challenges–I am a very social eater. But that’s okay.
You are right. The spark will come. I just have to be patient and keep looking.
Feb 06, 2012 @ 13:38:56
Yes, that is good–very good. However, I don’t know that the following is realistic for anyone: “I want to know that I can accomplish any challenges I put to myself.”
My concern would be that if this is your criteria for success–what has to happen for you to feel happy–you are going to be disappointed.
Just a thought, my friend.
Hugs,
Kathy
Feb 06, 2012 @ 14:00:03
You are probably correct Kathy. Maybe I should say that I want to find the challenges that I am truly passionate about, and accomplish those ones to the best of my ability.
Feb 06, 2012 @ 14:12:54
There is a world of difference between letting a thing happen and forcing it to happen. When creativity occurs it happens naturally. You just get to mold it, bend it’s shape. You, of course, know this. Kathryn is correct in her observation. You can hurt yourself here. Not every challenge is met with success by anyone. That you are willing to accept every challenge does not guarantee success, so therein lies every answer to possible failure. Remember that how we arrive at completion is the measure of who we are, not the winning or the losing. Learning to know yourself,who you really are, how you deal with your realities, those are the lessons in this hiatus of your life. It is not good or bad. It is only different. Learn from it. It s the prep time for moving forward. Listen, woman; you’ve relocated your household. Top of the stresses list. You took life changing trip. You’ve embarked on a weight loss program. Uh, is there a big “S” on your chest?
Feb 06, 2012 @ 15:01:19
Lisa, this may be worthless, but I will say it anyway. Most of the time, the things I write that I feel the least share-worthy are posts that light up most readers. I don’t know why. Maybe it is the sense of the raw or the lost confusion permeating from my words, but people pick up on it. They see it in themselves.
Change, for me, is always swimming against the torrent. It’s tiring, because it feels like I’m not getting anywhere scenic or peaceful. I’m too busy fighting the flow to see.
Feb 06, 2012 @ 15:27:27
I completely understand what you mean, and I often find that as well. However, this I don’t have anything beyond the bitches and moans in my journal and morning pages which I can’t share because, they are horrible. Not just horribly written but dark and dreary and in some cases nauseatingly bad.
Feb 06, 2012 @ 18:18:38
Lisa–you need to stop lashing out at yourself! Writing in your journal daily is an accomplishment. Getting Sarah ready for school and helping her with homework is an accomplishment Sharing your inner thoughts with the world is also an accomplishment and stress-relieving, isn’t it? Even though these are small accomplishments, they are positive ones. Your daily walks will make you feel better in the long run–remember–baby steps. We’re here for you!
Feb 07, 2012 @ 07:38:56
Thanks for the kind words Terry. I’m trying to be kinder to myself.
Feb 06, 2012 @ 23:56:31
I don’t know if you ever feel this way, but I can never tell if I’m not doing enough to make something happen or if I’m not sitting back enough to take in the moment and just be. It’s enough to drive a person batty!
I’m sorry I haven’t visited much. I’m dying to read more about your experiences in Slovakia and everything else you’ve been writing on.
Feb 07, 2012 @ 07:38:28
I feel that way all the time Rose. That’s why I’m so batty.
I figured you were busy, plus I haven’t been reading/responding to many posts lately either, so I can’t complain if someone doesn’t visit me. Enjoy the Slovakia posts. There are several.
Feb 07, 2012 @ 14:01:27
For many years I suffered from Panic Attacks & would need medication & counselling to dig myself out of a hole. As soon as I was feeling better I would go back to my normal life, with maybe a few lessons learned which I would try to put into practise. I did this for over 20 years. Then I finally met a counsellor who asked the right question at exactly the right time & I spiralled down into a very deep, very dark time in my life. It was hell – I had to divorce my parents & my sister (in a way) to be able to go through this. Otherwise I could never have dealt with the childhood abuse I suffered from my parents & the bullying from my sister. But I did come out the other side with a much better understanding of why I do the things I do, why I handle problems the way I do & why I am often stressed (I used to think I was weak). My whole point in confessing this is to point out at that particular time in my life I had to devote myself entirely to healing something inside me & nothing else. I went to work every day but I was not particularly creative, I did not enjoy a social life or enjoy anything else either. Because this is where I needed to be at that particular time & until I was done – then & only then could I move on & come out the other side of the deep dark place. Maybe right now you need to concentrate on something & your body/your psyche/etc. is trying to tell you something?
Feb 07, 2012 @ 14:13:10
Wow, thank you so much for sharing so honestly. You may be write. I have always hidden from the dark side of myself, afraid to show weakness and admit where I have gone wrong. Maybe the time has come.
Feb 11, 2012 @ 10:42:15
Keep pushing forward in a direction that feels right to you. You WILL break through this barrier, whatever it turns out to be.
Feb 11, 2012 @ 11:22:30
Thanks, I’m trying.