I’ve stopped writing.
I’ve stopped reading.
I’ve stopped talking.
I’ve stopped commenting.
I’ve stopped.
I look at this blog and think, I have nothing left to say. It’s not writer’s block. It’s something deeper than that. I have entered the darkness at the bottom of depression and it has controlled me for a few months now.
I have lost my ability to think.
I have lost my ability to organize.
I have lost my ability to motivate.
I have lost.
Today I sit and wait for a birthday party to end, so I can pick up Sarah. I think I’ll find the topic, find the words, find my voice.
Yet all I can write is this.
Empty words on an empty screen.
Written out into the void of emptiness.
I want my words back. I want myself back. I want my life back.
It’s time.
Feb 17, 2013 @ 15:17:48
I’ve been there, lady. Oh, how I’ve been there.
No platitudes here…you’re a grown-up and don’t need them. I know you’ll come out the other side when the voice finds fresh inspiration.
Feb 17, 2013 @ 16:52:37
Mike, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, leaving you (and Lily) behind before we had time to really get to know each other better is one of my deepest regrets about leaving Independence. Thank you for your kindness and support.
Feb 17, 2013 @ 15:26:39
you haven’t lost them… they are just wrapped up on other things right now. I didn’t start Opening to inspire, just to spill…if it inspires, so be it. If you write what you wrote above, then you ARE writing, you are voicing a lot, and you will come back to what you need to say when it’s time. I’ve written what I thought was drivel that others were moved by. I understand what you said above, and feel it often.
just don’t give up
Feb 17, 2013 @ 16:51:26
I won’t. One minute at a time is what I’m doing now.
Feb 17, 2013 @ 15:45:04
{{{hugs}}}
Can you take some time out and go and sit by the ocean and clear your mind?
If you’ve recognised you have a problem isan’t that half the problem solved? What about an action plan? Tiny steps to begin with? Or like building blocks…lay the foundations…
Feb 17, 2013 @ 16:50:49
Thanks PiP. Ocean sitting is not an option at the moment. (It’s freezing outside). I’ve been so muddled that I haven’t been able to make a plan, but I’m hoping that today’s post is a step in the right direction.
Feb 17, 2013 @ 16:56:14
I can only say when I was really depressed and had terrible anxiety attacks which I could not discuss with anyone at the time (or even now), I made myself achieve just one or two things a day. when I got up in the morning I wrote two things I wanted to achieve on a piece of paper – nothing grand – just two tiny things. I did not want to do them, and made every excuse but I did…somehow. I was determined not to take antidepressants. You can come out of this and you will…
Feb 17, 2013 @ 17:01:03
Thanks. I may try your method. It sounds very proactive.
Feb 17, 2013 @ 17:02:02
I can only say it worked for me and I was almost suicidal at the time. It kept me focussed
Feb 17, 2013 @ 17:04:37
I’m so glad you got through it.
Feb 17, 2013 @ 17:07:52
thank you…believe me it was tough. Hang in there
Feb 17, 2013 @ 16:09:48
Oh dear… maybe it’s time to take a break and just take a little me time… I find that the pressure we put on ourselves to perform, and live up to some expectation is often no more than self-imposed. Relaxation, reflection, meditation and some other self-care and pampering may help take the edge off… sending you love…
Feb 17, 2013 @ 16:49:33
Thanks Deborah. I would so love a real retreat, but sadly responsibility and other issues make that difficult. Sigh.
Feb 17, 2013 @ 16:13:18
I hear your words – and recognize they depth of your depression because I’ve been there – I am not far from there this very moment. I send you prayers, and virtual hugs. And encouragement. Your words have not left you – those written today are raw and true and deep. You still have that.
Feb 17, 2013 @ 16:48:40
Kate, prayers, virtual hugs, and encouragement right back at you. These are the times I wish I was closer to some of the wonderful people in this surreal, far-flung blogging community.
Feb 17, 2013 @ 19:17:11
These words are raw, and in their own way, beautiful. I, for one, miss you. In the coming days, I will keep thoughts of you close to my heart. xo
Feb 18, 2013 @ 08:59:30
Thanks Andra. I’m sorry I haven’t been around in a while. I can’t seem to focus on reading anything, not even your brilliant posts.
Feb 18, 2013 @ 12:28:44
Sometimes I just need to get out and DO something (and not write about it) I need to fill my soul rather than my quota (self imposed) I need to talk to people in person and have a glass of wine and stay up late reading a trashy novel I refuse to review. Find your inner 8 year old and indulge her. You’ll feel better I promise!
Feb 18, 2013 @ 12:43:15
Lisa, You are still in mourning for your father. You might try to write that out for yourself, but you don’t need to share it with any of us. It would probably be too painful. Give yourself at least six months to get over this one.
Feb 18, 2013 @ 19:23:14
Hope you can be kind with yourself Lisa! Lay fallow for a while and give yourself time to regenerate and heal from your father’s death and life in general. You have so much to give so you deserve this time for yourself to be all you are meant to be!
Feb 20, 2013 @ 05:37:04
I think sometimes you just need time, take break and focus on you and I’m sure the words will return. Sending you good thoughts x
Feb 20, 2013 @ 09:35:50
Thanks Victoria.
Feb 20, 2013 @ 18:31:02
Don’t worry about entertaining us. We’ll find things to do until you “refill your well.”
Feb 21, 2013 @ 06:43:40
I’m honestly not concerned about entertaining anyone, since I doubt very much reading my words are crucial to anyone’s life. I’m more frustrated with my own inability to go past minute by minute living at the moment. I mean, living in the moment is important, but not if that moment is the only moment and you are at a standstill.
Feb 21, 2013 @ 08:31:42
Yup. It happens. Especially when an undesired change has been foisted upon us ~ like our dads dying. We spend so much time looking over our shoulder that we loose our sense of forward momentum:
http://nrhatch.wordpress.com/2012/12/24/when-we-get-stuck/
The antidote is action ~ making changes we DO WANT to get back into the flow . . . even if it’s just cleaning out the junk drawer or organizing our socks.
BTW: I saw the header shot of the chalkboard for the first time . . . it’s bright and cheerful. Maybe you could make that the STATIC photo until your words return?
Feb 21, 2013 @ 11:10:54
Great idea about the header, Nancy. And . . . done.
Mar 11, 2013 @ 15:34:44
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. We all get there. Creative people especially. We’re not an industrial production line!
I recently checked in on one of my favorite blogs — which is insanely popular (the post got 4,000+ comments) — Hyperbole and a Half, by Allie Brosh. She had last blogged, happily that she was about to start a book. This post reveals she fell into a really bad depression (not that there’s another sort.)
I found it incredibly sad but comforting to know how often we all just hit a wall, talent be damned..
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html
Mar 11, 2013 @ 15:39:56
Thank you for leading me to that post. I’ve read hyperboleandahalf before and always enjoy the posts. It does help to realize that it can happen to anyone at any time, we just have to make our way through it.