Too Many Thoughts

 

I cannot settle down to write about one thing today, as my mind bounces from idea to idea.  So I thought I would just write down some of the thoughts floating through my brain:

• First I thought I’d explore the strange dream I had this morning that took place in my college house. Does anyone else travel back to school regularly in their dreams?
• Sarah is practicing piano on the keyboard attached to the computer. She has headphones on and is singing at the top of her lungs. It is a happy sound, in some ways. What sounds add to the joyous cacophony of life?
• Yesterday I got a phone call asking me to help out for a very minimal stipend on the children’s theater show here this summer. While it isn’t beyond my capabilities, it is taking steps toward my past rather than my future. What is my future and what role does theater play in that future? Sigh
• The moon and Japan are speaking through me in another art project. Here is a shot of the (very unfinished) piece.

• This morning I woke to the birds singing their morning song, which led me to more thoughts of spring and nature. Yesterday Sarah and I had a picnic in the park and then wandered around so that I could find interesting pictures to take with my new camera, including a brief visit to the zoo and a stroll through the cemetery (although I didn’t get any shots there)

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And those are only a few of the complex thoughts floating through my brain. Too many thoughts, too many words, too many ideas and no clarity. Oh well.

 

What Happens Next?

My most recent unknown started here. (Photo by Steve Kramer http://taochild.wordpress.com/)

 

I’ve noticed that many people lately live fearful lives.

There seem to be many causes for this:

• The economy: which leaves financial security and career opportunities unknown
• Nature: which leaves the question of the entire earth surviving into the future unknown
• An aging society: which leaves us open to more unknown diseases and health issues
• Overwhelming possibilities: which makes more people feel like something is wrong when their path to “success” is unknown
• Loss of community: which makes people feel alone in the unknown.

Does anyone see the common word here? It is the unknown.

Many of my friends have been feeling this fear lately. Either in person or on Facebook, or even in the blogosphere, people are becoming overwhelmed by the unknown, as I was reminded reading A. Hab’s post yesterday.

I am no exception, but I don’t want to live in fear anymore.

I have been living with the unknown for several years now. Actually, I think it has been longer than that. I entered the unknown when I graduated with a Ph.D and then had no idea what I really wanted to do with my life. I’d achieved many dreams, but didn’t have any new clear dreams or goals. I moved further into the unknown when my husband, through the politics of academia, was not given tenure in his position–just as the economy crashed. So we moved blindly forward hoping to find a place to land safely and call home.

We landed on our feet, but we still live in the unknown because this does not feel like home. I am beginning to discover new dreams, but that becomes harder because I am now fully ensconced in early Middle Age. For some reason it feels harder to dream big when you have to support a family and compete against people half your age. But shouldn’t experience be more valuable than youth? You would think so.

Everyday I wake up into the unknown.

Today I woke up without a clue what to write about, and almost a fear of facing this blog.  Today I woke up without a plan, without a goal, without a known.

But, as I write this, I know that’s okay. I have survived the unknown, and I will continue to survive the unknown.

That’s the only thing I really know. And I think that has to be enough.

Would anyone care to join me on an exciting adventure into the unknown? I promise you, it will be exciting and take us to places we could never imagine.

And, to reveal my inner Gleek–Rachel’s song from yesterdays show really goes along with how I’m feeling today:

Bizarre Imaginings

Wow! I just had a doozy of a dream. Because of my recent fascination with dream mythology, dream interpretation, and the images that represent the collective psyche of the feminine spirit, I am going to share before the images leave me for good.

Lying in bed wearing my daughter’s Halloween costume

A Bollywood dancer.

I hear my husband talking to her in the distance,

getting ready for school but discussing a sleepover

at a house owned by radicals.

She cannot go there, I scream in my head.

My husband enters the bedroom

the silky fabrics of my costume begin to lead to romance

but we start a serious discussion instead

about our daughter.

Suddenly my brother enters eating ice cream out of a carton

for breakfast.

The scene shifts, yet I am still wearing the pink and orange Bollywood costume.

I am now in some kind of beauty/talent competition

Both a contestant and an organizer.

But I am told by the head organizer (who is a person I shall not name but was recognizable )  that I cannot win

Because my name is not big enough

Because I am not a so-called professional.

I volunteer to take one of the “professional judges” to his hotel.

A person unknown to me.

We have dinner.

My husband joins us.

Italian food soaking in watery red sauce.

As we eat the discussion turns back to the sleepover

and the scary family.

I sit and worry about my daughter as the restaurant turns into a bus

We pass a smooth clear ocean,

bright pastel blue.

I leave the table to get closer to the smell of the waves and the feeling of the spray; but I am  still watching it through the windows of the bus.

Standing balanced as the bus wobbles across the road.

The ocean shifts

becoming storm-tossed.

Boiling white waves crashing toward the bus, spray shooting into the air.

I move forward to a single seat

barefoot

feet encased in mud.

I watch the spray and start to cry

but the women behind me ignore my tears

They chatter away as if nothing is happening.

I try to scrape the mud off of my feet

while watching the power of the ocean.

I talk on the cell phone,

“If you harm my daughter, I will send every Nazi hunter in the world after you,” I say.

The ocean continues to crash, while someone tries to drive through it in a car towing a bunch of belongings;
not packed away, but small pieces of life laid out on a flat bed for all to see.

One woman behind me says, “I can’t believe they are doing that!” and laughs.

I can’t believe it either, I cry more.

The mud clings to  my feet more thickly

and  . . .

Then, my obnoxious dogs decide to have a bark-howl fest for absolutely no reason that I can see other the fact that I was sleeping and everyone else had left the house. My dogs don’t howl unless they are lonely or they hear sirens going by (they learned to howl at those because of the Great Dane next door). So I was forced out of the dream when I felt like I was approaching something, and yet I don’t know what.  I clearly understand some of this dream. I also know what some of the things are supposed to represent. But this dream, with vivid details including color, smell, taste and its bizarre mixture of people and scene shifts feels important to me somehow.

Why were my feet covered with mud? Why did the women ignore my tears? Why was I crying?

I want to understand this dream.

Does anyone out there have a clue about what it means?

Related Articles

• Dream Workshops Are The New Book Club [The Interpretation Of Dreams] (jezebel.com)

Hours of Creative Madness

 

Image by qthomasbower via Flickr

 

There are moments when I am reminded of the wonderful stuff that can happen when passionately creative people get together and focus on one goal. Yesterday I was a director for the College 24 Hour Plays at the Inge Center for the Performing Arts. I won’t say brilliant pieces came out of it; some were good, some were interesting, some probably needed more work. But I will say that having a group of people focused on this one thing, the creation of fully staged 10 minute plays that didn’t exist the day before, was revitalizing. My cast (for the most part) were completely amazing; they dove into finding nuances and creating depth in roles that I believe truly nurtured the play.

I’ve experienced this kind of energy with a few people, and in a few situations. Now, I know that creating theatre doesn’t necessarily change the world (although I truly believe it has the power too). But, I am thinking about the potential power of bring a group of truly committed artists of all types in creating something good for the world. When egos are set aside, the air is filled with pulsing powers that could lead us somewhere amazing.

If we take the power of dreams, the creativity and drive of artists, and the power of groups, and the strength (but not the egos) of individuals, where might we go?

Related Articles

• How To Be Creative Under Pressure (crenshawcomm.com)
• The show goes on (theglobeandmail.com)

The Power of Sleep and Dreaming

 

Image via Wikipedia

 

Could we harness dream energy to change the world? I’m not talking about the dreams and goals of people, but the actual dreams we have in the night.

One of my friends commented on Facebook how she has been having intense dreams lately which make her feel more tired by morning. This is not unusual for me, as my dreams are often exhausting stress-fests. One of her friends commented that the intense dreaming has been going around lately, and that nobody is sleeping well. That happens often, where powerful energy in universe affects all sleepers. My night was so intense that I got up at 4 am and gave up trying to sleep for a while.

This strange energy that affects so many makes me think, why can’t we use that energy in reverse? If we could all sleep and create a positive dream space, could that have the power to change the world for the better? I know that we can affect our dreams, but can our dreams affect the world?

Addition, September 6, 2010:

I really think there is something to this. Last night I was having dreams that were disturbing (nothing unusual for me) and woke me up. However, I refused to let the dream end where and when it did. I insisted, in my own mind, that I would be able to go back to sleep and fix it. I’m not sure if I did that completely, but something shifted. That is some powerful energy.

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• Beginners Guideline Of Lucid Dream (healthlifestyleforever.com)

Creating Dreams in the Midst of Chaos

I am struggling a little today with who I am and what I want out of life. I mean, I’m surrounding by people pursuing their passions and following their dreams, but I feel like a supporting player. I guess that’s okay, but it can be frustrating at times when I know I can do so much more. I’m not saying I have to be the star, but sometimes I want to do something more. Yet, I’m surrounded by people and things that need me to just support them; Sarah, the dogs, Nathan, the CT, my family . . . and the list goes on. Where am I in all this?

She Who Laughs at Herself . . .

I was just fooling around on Facebook and got my daily fortune cookie. It said “He who laughs at himself never runs out of things to laugh at.” It got me thinking that I am taking everything too seriously. Yes, my life doesn’t seem to be going in the direction I thought it would. Yes, life is complicated and scary right now. But, I can still laugh. I can still dream, even if I’m not sure what those dreams are right now. I can still dance. Last night Sarah and I had a mini dance party in the living room and it was wonderful. If I can learn to just be, and trust in the universe, then I know I will end up somewhere great. I’m sure of it. And eventually, I will see the humor in this whole situation. So, it may be taking me down right now, but I’m going down laughing.

This is the Year

Image via Wikipedia

42

“The answer to life the universe and everything”

This is the year that everything changes

only in positive ways.

This is the year I will find answers

and perhaps create new questions.

This is the year old dreams may die,

but new dreams will form and become powerful.

This it the year I will grow in health, strength, and attitude.

This is the year I will face challenges with grace

and not let them get me down.

This is the year I will guide my daughter on the next steps towards

the wonderful woman she will become.

This is the year  I will  laugh, sing, and smile

even in the face of adversity.

This is the year I will strengthen relationships

let go of the past

and welcome new joys.

This is the year.

Happy Birthday to Me.