Remembering the Past, Living the Present, Wondering about the Future

I have been thinking a lot about time lately. I have a story, yet to be completely written, that convolutes the past, present and future of the two protagonists in a way that defines them and gives them both strength. That sounds complicated, but someday I hope to make sense of it on the page. Today, however, I’m reflecting on the complexity of time in my own life. Forgive me if my thoughts  take you on a rambling path to nowhere.

Every day I try to encourage my daughter to live in the Now, to focus on the things that are happening at that moment in time and enjoy the adventure.  She bounces from the past to the future in the blink of an eye, and cannot seem to embrace the present.  This makes her constantly worried about something, whether it is missing her friends or making new ones. Watching her struggle with this has honestly helped me ground myself in the present, but only somewhat.

I too, often reflect on the past–either with fond memories or regret. I sometimes think that we look at our past with rose-colored glasses. When living the events, the realities were probably never as perfect as how we perceive them through time. We forget the mundane, and to some extent we forget the pain, and we focus on the moments that make the somewhen seem somehow better than the now.  But, at the same time, I often have the moments that I call “should have, could have, would have” moments; the moments that I wonder if I had done something differently, would it have made a difference Now. I try very hard not to dwell on those moments, but there are times that is very difficult. I find that, being in touch with my past through Facebook (as I reconnect with friends) can make those moments stronger. I wonder, is it better to let your past go completely and not connect with the friends who make you doubt, or to confront the issues of the past in the hopes that you can truly let them go?

I too wonder about the future, but I have no clear concept of what that future might hold. My life has been changing too quickly and taking unexpected paths, so I can’t even hold onto a clear goal. So many books talk about the importance of manifesting your dreams, envisioning what you want in order to achieve your goals. But I’ve lost sight of how to do that. In my past, I believe, I had a much clearer vision of the future. While I have achieved many of the things from the past vision, I don’t know that I have achieved them all, and I no longer see a clear path to the future.

My past, my present, and my future are living and breathing inside me. I wonder where they will take me.

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