B is for Being, Believing, and Becoming

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Epiphanies. I know, that doesn’t start with B, but it is relevant.

The dictionary definition of epiphany (according to dictionary.com) includes:

. . . a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely,
or commonplace occurrence or experience.

Yesterday I had several simple moments of the reality of my life right now, and those epiphanies have led me to a few decisions. Or maybe it was one long epiphany brought to clarity by simple moments.

Part One

I drove alone through the flat fields, of Kansas a gray mist washing my car with the last (we hope) of the miserable weather. I’d never been to this particular town before, or even on this particular road. I knew I had a 40 minute drive, but I wouldn’t have minded longer. I sometimes like long drives in the car alone, since it gives me time to think and be completely alone.

I chose music rather than NPR, and as usual my mind focused in on songs and phrases that connected with my heart in some way.  Often I sing along. Even more often a certain phrase or song hits me where I’m feeling, encouraging me to think about something that I have been avoiding.

I don’t even know which song did it this time, but I suddenly found myself thinking out loud (in other words, talking to myself). 😀 The conversation went something like this:

“You’ve really had some cool opportunities this year. You’ve had more theater based opportunities sent your way here than in Durango.”

“Yes, I know. I should feel lucky.”

“So, what’s the problem? Why aren’t you happy?”

I couldn’t answer. I don’t know if I simply won’t allow myself to feel at home here, or if my soul truly does not feel at home here.  Perhaps I have a dream ideal of “home” and this does not match the ideal. I wish I could explain, but I cannot put it into words.

But that wasn’t the epiphany. I kept thinking about the questions, “Why aren’t you happy?”  And it hit me, I’m still stuck in the mentality that I am a failure if I don’t have a title or a full-time job with a prestigious institution.  Yes, I’m Dr. Kramer. But I’m not DR. Kramer, Associate Professor. Or Lisa Kramer, Artistic Director, or Lisa Kramer published author. In other words, my life is not what I pictured and so somehow that seems like a failure.

But that is ridiculous? Why should a title matter? Why shouldn’t I be content just being Lisa Kramer who does pretty cool things?  Why do I equate success with large-scale recognition?

Part Two

I take notes during the workshop on Drama Therapy, feeling proud that I basically know this stuff, but am also learning some new things which will   help me create some interesting programming for a group of Adults with special needs that I am meeting for the first time next week. This workshop focused mainly on Drama Therapy with Alzheimer’s patients but much of the discussion is applicable to other needs. I sat and absorbed, but also had moments of struggle, because the Alzheimer’s focus made this personal–as the realities of my Dad’s condition came forward in living color.

I look around at this room full of about 40 or so amazing people, all who work in some capacity with the elderly or adults with special needs.  I was the only one there alone. The only one there as a theater educator rather than as someone who regularly worked with this population. I could never do their job, I thought to myself, but I can help them provide creative opportunities for the people they work with. Then it hit me, the world is full of these small opportunities; of groups who are looking for connection in ways that I, Lisa Kramer of no title, can help provide.

Part Three

When I got home, after racing back to pick up Sarah and then take us both to piano lessons. I decided to catch up on WordPress. I started by replying to the kind comments on my post yesterday. Then I started reading other posts, and I couldn’t focus. It wasn’t the posts. It was me. I didn’t have the energy to give them justice and respond fully. I felt guilty. I felt conflicted. Then I read this post at Broadside where Kaitlin (who I have been following for a while) asked “Would You Rather Be Productive or Creative?” This was the response I wrote to her:

As one of the guilty bloggers who have written recently about being overwhelmed by blogging, I am realizing that I need more creative time. Post A Day has been good for me, because it has allowed me to give myself permission to write. But, I also realize that I want to write something more. I don’t know what that is yet, but I feel it coming. I technically took yesterday off from blogging, and I’ve been busy most of today. I started trying to catch up, and I find I don’t have the energy for it. I only want to read a few that catch my eye and interest me. I always find your posts interesting, and this question intrigued me. . .  I think I lean towards wanting to be creative so that I can produce something really quality, rather than being productive and continuing to produce mediocrity.

That’s when I realized that, as much as I love this community, I need to refocus a little. If I want to create a reality where I am truly happy, I need to do three things:

• Be where I am now to the best of my ability. That doesn’t mean I have to settle, but I need to acknowledge the good things that I am doing. If we stay here longer than I hoped, then I have to continue doing good things and enjoying the journey rather than focusing on the future.
• Believe in myself and be open to possibility. I still have dreams even if they are unclear. I have to believe that the world provides opportunities for me to follow those dreams.
• Become what I want to be through a balance of creativity and productivity. I cannot just keep producing with no goal, or creating with no product. I need to do both.

So what does this mean? It means, dear blogging friends, that I need to get organized. I need to spend less time in the blogosphere, and more time creating and producing. It means that, while I will still follow you and interact, and will still post, I may do it a little less frequently. It means that I am going to try to start following the advice from Pet the Dog from a while back, about organizing my time better and staying focused on one task at a time.

I hope you will all understand if I am a little less active, but I promise I’m always here if you need me. I feel very close to many of you in this strange community of ours, and I’m not going to let that go.

So here’s a toast to Being, Believing and Becoming! May we all find meaning and happiness in our journeys.