Moving Through the Sadness

A dream swallows me
images with no meaning
but the sense of being trapped
in a home that is not my own
without any dreams to move me forward . . .A rainy day

into tomorrow. I pull myself awake
yearning to remain in
the oblivion of sleep
but terrified by the images that
haunt me . . .

into my waking hours.
I blink awake
and hug my daughter
in desperation and love
looking for answers she does not have.
She doesn’t even understand the questions . . .

I write in my Morning Pages
filled with words I’ll never share
some of hope
some of fear
some of the sadness I carry with me . . .

out into the living room
to be greeted by a flowerDad's flower.
that represents Dad
the man I miss
the man I mourn
the man who was . . .

the man who I never really knew.
I wonder what my daughter knows of me.
What mark will I leave behind
for future generations unknown?
Will my life pass as a blink
with nothing to show but the memories . . .

found in a flower?
I move through the day,
searching through the hope
and find a dream
written by two idiots
that reminds me that all that  really matters . . .

is the journey, not the destination.

Moving Toward Possibility

 

 

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25 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Taochild
    Apr 03, 2013 @ 10:49:11

    We all need reminders sometimes :)

    Reply

  2. Barbarann Ayars
    Apr 03, 2013 @ 10:51:16

    It must be in the air. I, too, woke this morning to write of unrequited everything. Longing for closure,, that silly word that implies a tidy, wrapped up problem, solved, a destination never gained. A loss that relegates itself to quiet dust. No. Inside our cells these things reside, for they were and are real and permeate our me-ness. Your father, author of yourself, is gone, no longer writing on your soul. Or is he? Use your mourning time to relish who he was, and let go of the might have been. Wander across the terrain of loss and find nuances of him you missed. Visit him in the hidden places of your heart and in so doing, find him again, more than a remnant, but ever present Dad. And heal.

    Reply

  3. Mark G Pakulak
    Apr 03, 2013 @ 10:57:26

    Wonderful writing Lisa, Wishing you a great day from one of the idiots :) :)

    Reply

  4. Andra Watkins
    Apr 03, 2013 @ 11:24:51

    xo, Dear.

    Reply

  5. brickhousechick
    Apr 03, 2013 @ 12:09:50

    Never Give Up!

    Reply

  6. CMSmith
    Apr 03, 2013 @ 12:42:29

    I’m sorry you’re going through this right now, Lisa. Did I miss something about your dad? Or has my sieve of a mind let the knowledge slip back out?

    Reply

    • Lisa Wields Words
      Apr 03, 2013 @ 12:55:10

      My father passed before yours did, on December 19, 2012.

      Reply

      • CMSmith
        Apr 03, 2013 @ 13:16:26

        I was kind of remembering that that had happened, but I couldn’t remember when. I’ve been all sorts of confused since my parents’ deaths. And I have some black holes in my memory from that time period.

        I was hoping you could tell me that it gets easier after a year, but it doesn’t seem like that’s true.

        Reply

        • Lisa Wields Words
          Apr 03, 2013 @ 17:37:10

          Well, It’s only been 4 months for me, so we’ll see at the end of this year. Of course, you are dealing with the double whammy, so give yourself time. HUGS!

          Reply

          • CMSmith
            Apr 04, 2013 @ 09:26:31

            See what I mean? My brain has almost completely shut down. Now it makes a lot more sense that the news slipped by me and was forgotten. It happened right in the middle of us moving Dad, moving Mom, taking blood pressures, contacting Hospice. Jeez.

            It also helps me understand a lot more what you are going through. We have to take it easy on ourselves right now. I feel very lost too.

            Reply

  7. samyak
    Apr 03, 2013 @ 16:43:04

    I read all email notifications of fellow bloggers’ posts but lately didnt get time to react to. But then once in a while you get to read something like this and you know that it would be a sin not to react and share one’s thoughts.

    what helps me in those trying times is to consider the blessings that have been bestowed upon me by Him/ Her and i am instantly filled with gratefulness. I cast a grateful look at the goodies that I have collected so far in my journey and I push ahead on the path ahead of me. Yes, the journey is all that matters, destinations are nothing but a mirage in the desert- the closer you get, the farther they appear. Others have told me prayer is another powerful means of snapping out of such depressing times.

    Above paragraphs notwithstanding, my compliments- you write so beautiful poetry- another gift to be grateful for.

    Go ahead with full force my fellow warrior of blogosphere. God bless.

    Samyak from ThoughtTavern.com

    Reply

  8. thelifeofjamie
    Apr 03, 2013 @ 21:47:56

    I hate to say it, but over time, you will think about it less. You will remember the good. I have been missing my mom a lot lately, but then I remember the good things and it helps.

    XOXO

    Reply

    • Lisa Wields Words
      Apr 04, 2013 @ 06:44:30

      I understand, Jamie. And I get it. To be honest, part of what I’m going through right now (besides missing him) is the sadness that life does go on. The passing of a person doesn’t mean that everything stops. but if that’s true, then living to the best of our ability is crucial. Making a mark so when we leave we don’t simply fade away. My struggles right now go beyond missing my dad, and have more to do with loss of purpose and focus. I’ll move through it, I’m sure. I’m just at a low point in the cycle, and am trying to find the good things.

      Thanks for your kind words. XOXO

      Reply

  9. nrhatch
    Apr 04, 2013 @ 10:52:18

    Life is filled with pools of sadness.

    Those we love and lose, we miss and mourn.
    Sometimes while they are still alive.

    Reply

    • Lisa Wields Words
      Apr 04, 2013 @ 11:04:06

      The mourning for and loss of my dad definitely started long before his actual passing. Now I’m trying to work through what that means for my own life . . . not in a selfish its all about me way, but in trying to understand what our brief time in these bodies means.

      Reply

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