I’m Back . . . Sort Of

I told you I just needed a tiny break.

I know, you’ve barely missed me, especially since I kind of posted anyway and even managed a couple of comments here and there. But I didn’t spend the whole day reading posts, writing posts, and commenting on posts. I read all of your wonderfully kind comments to me, and I truly appreciate every one of them. I just needed a little time to clear my head.

Even now, I approach the keyboard with hesitation, as I’m not sure what words will pour out or what I even want to say. I’m not blocked . . . it’s not that. I think I’m more overwhelmed by this community, by the complexities of our world, by all the transitions that have been happening in my life for the past three years, by amazing writers and friends like Mark and Vicky who are on their own journey of struggle right now and who I wish I could help but I don’t know how.

So I stopped. Just for a couple of days I stopped. I focused on finding movies to help me cry (only partially successful). I tried to sleep. I wrote in my morning pages. I spent time with my family. I tried not to stress about finding work or creating a meaningful life all over again. I tried not to feel alone.

I both succeeded and failed.

For several nights now I’ve had dreams too complicated to describe, but all with a common message that no matter how hard I tried I would never belong. Now, I know that’s not true, but I can’t help what my subconscious tries to feed me.

So this morning I woke up and completely melted down, at least partially. I held it together for Sarah. I almost held it together for Nathan. Then I cried, a little.

Finally, I went to help at the library at Sarah’s school, and that centered me. From there, I decided going home was a bad choice, so I took myself on an adventure to find a bookstore that I’ve been meaning to find. It turned out to be only so-so, but at least I broke my routine.

 I sat in the little cafe at the bookstore and tried to focus. Then I got an Facebook note from a young friend of mine, asking for my opinion as mentor and educator.  At first I didn’t want to deal with it, because it was on a topic that I’ve discussed with her before, but then I answered anyway. Through answering her question, I remembered myself as a talented mediator and mentor. I finished her answer and wrote a Hub called “Battling Depression in a World Gone Mad”.

You might wonder why I wrote it as a Hub rather than a post here. I had to approach it more as an observer–an observer of myself. I feel like here I can write with my more personal voice, and their I try to sound more logical. I’m much more comfortable writing here, but I had to analyze my thoughts there before I could share my thoughts here. Does that make sense?

So, I guess I’m back. Thank you all for your kindness and patience as I work my way into joy. Your thoughts helped a lot.

And now, a few moments of quiet beauty I found outside my back door after I got home.

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28 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. thelifeofjamie
    Oct 21, 2011 @ 15:50:50

    I read your Hub…it was very good. The demons get the best of all of us at times. The only thing we can do is our best to suppress the demons and replace them with happy thoughts. I can leave you with an image that will make you laugh- My 3 year old was sitting on the arm of the couch and we were talking (as much as you can hold a conversation with a 3 year old) and all of a sudden, he disappeared! He fell right off the couch out of sight! We both laughed hysterically…hope you get a laugh too.

    Reply

    • Lisa Wields Words
      Oct 21, 2011 @ 15:56:51

      😀 You indeed made me laugh. I love when the silly little interactions just grow into lovely giggle fests.

      Reply

  2. TheIdiotSpeaketh
    Oct 21, 2011 @ 16:00:35

    Welcome Back Lisa! With Love and Support, we will always win out over the Demons….not that it’s ever easy. Great photos! Have a great weekend 🙂

    Reply

  3. k8edid
    Oct 21, 2011 @ 16:34:01

    “…I tried not to stress about finding work or creating a meaningful life all over again. I tried not to feel alone…”

    I make these efforts every day. Even though I have found a decent job, I struggle to make myself joyful about it (it wasn’t my first choice, but it is a good opportunity, and the money is great). I am having to meet and make friends all over again after being in the same place for 30+ years. It is exhausting. All of it. But I am learning much about myself. And growing.

    Have a great weekend. I’m glad you got out of your routine. And I’m glad you are back.

    Reply

    • Lisa Wields Words
      Oct 21, 2011 @ 17:13:02

      At least learning and growing make life interesting. I hope you feel more settled soon. have a great weekend.

      Reply

  4. Barbarann Ayars
    Oct 21, 2011 @ 19:58:48

    Welcome back. Spend some time everyday on Lisa. Just Lisa.not your indulgences. Not your hobby or your obsession. Not with distractions. Just all by yourself with Lisa.

    She’s terrific. Creative. Intelligent. Generous. Kind. You should get to know her, not just about her. She’s a little lonely. Keep her company. Treat her well. Get close. Put your arm around her. Show her where to go.

    Reply

    • Lisa Wields Words
      Oct 21, 2011 @ 20:23:55

      Barbarann, thanks for making me cry. I promise I will work on spending more time with myself.

      Reply

  5. An Embarrassment of Freedom
    Oct 21, 2011 @ 20:09:35

    Good advice from Barbarann….we all need to manage the good with the bad…take good care now.

    Reply

  6. Fraha
    Oct 21, 2011 @ 20:37:18

    I’m sorry for the difficulty that you have been going through the past couple of days. Sometimes it’s hard to rationalize why we are going through whatever obsticles come our way, but I try to remind myself and beleive that I am exactly where God wants me to be today, and I try to learn from that experience and grow. I hope you have a good weekend and maybe this experience can develope into a new poem or short story… 🙂

    Reply

  7. aarongraham
    Oct 22, 2011 @ 10:41:05

    Wow…your break was no where near as long as my ‘break.’

    *sheepishly looks down at my feet* I took a few months.

    Reply

    • Lisa Wields Words
      Oct 22, 2011 @ 16:03:22

      Perhaps my addiction is stronger, or I have no will power. Long breaks are good, sometimes.

      Reply

  8. Sandi Ormsby
    Oct 22, 2011 @ 12:32:42

    I’ve missed our banters back and forth…with you moving and me dealing with all the mess I got going on here…we’ve just not had time. This is so odd, but I felt like you moved out of my state and far away, yet we only knew each other here. I could easily convince my mind that we used to sit and have coffee regularly.

    This is where I wish there was a personal jet I could hop on, and join you at that book/cafe and we could chat. You’d share with me all the strife and trials with moving, and I’d discuss the frustration of the education system and how it’s failing my son. We’d both groan and then laugh over something and say “so, what else is going on?”

    On that note, I gotta run two soccer games and baseball practice, and play date and Halloween stuff this evening. Did I over-book myself (again?)

    Sandi

    Reply

    • Lisa Wields Words
      Oct 22, 2011 @ 16:06:53

      Sandi,

      I would so love to sit and have a chat with you about everything under the sun. This world of ours is so strange. There a some people I’ve “met” who I feel like I have known forever, and would love to meet in person. There are some that i am content with a virtual relationship. There are some that I am learning from although I don’t know how well we would get along in real life.

      I hope you find some time for yourself soon, and that your son doesn’t get destroyed by a system that basically does not work anymore.

      Lisa

      Reply

  9. thepetalpusher
    Oct 22, 2011 @ 16:44:36

    Welcome back, Lisa. Nice photos–if those woods extend further–take a walk, forest bathe somewhere. It’s very therapeutic.

    Reply

    • Lisa Wields Words
      Oct 22, 2011 @ 17:47:17

      There’s no real path back there, but I have been seeking out some areas to bathe in. 😉

      Reply

  10. Robin Hawke
    Oct 22, 2011 @ 17:05:32

    It sounds like centering was what you needed, and progresses. Welcome back, Robin

    Reply

  11. LittleMissVix
    Oct 23, 2011 @ 08:54:18

    So sweet. You help just by being here with your support and encouragement. I’m so glad you’re back and I know we’ll both get through the funk because we’re strong! xx

    Reply

    • Lisa Wields Words
      Oct 24, 2011 @ 08:48:13

      Thanks Vicky. I love your new picture. You look gorgeous. If you ever need to chat, I’m around.

      Reply

  12. lahgitana
    Oct 23, 2011 @ 11:43:03

    Thank you for speaking for me: the state of the World lays me flat sometimes, which is an appropriate response, I believe. We forget that at our most basic, we organisms respond to stimuli. Of all kinds. Constantly.

    I take breaks from the World–I don’t read the news online and certainly don’t watch the fear-mongers on television.

    At those rough patches I recognize that I am living without a skin, without a protective covering, as if it had been abraded by the rough stuff, and everything hits me directly. Time to duck until the protective skin reasserts itself. Then, jump up, look around, and wonder what kind of trouble I can get into!

    Very best to you. (Living in the Pacific Northwest requires those full spectrum light bulbs–they even come in CFLs–not too expensive and give a brightness that counteracts the low, gray skies.)

    Reply

    • Lisa Wields Words
      Oct 24, 2011 @ 08:47:37

      Welcome Lahgitana, and thanks for your understanding. I tend to avoid the news in general lately, although that’s hard to do. I love your description, “At those rough patches I recognize that I am living without a skin, without a protective covering, as if it had been abraded by the rough stuff, and everything hits me directly.” That’s exactly how I feel right now. Luckily, here in the Northeast, the sun still shines occasionally, at least for now.

      Reply

  13. Kathryn McCullough
    Oct 23, 2011 @ 23:56:46

    Oh, I’m glad you’re back, Lisa, and still hanging on. Be good to yourself, my friend. Remember to love yourself first. You have so many amazing gifts to offer. It’s just not the same when you’re away, but you have got to feed yourself. You’ll have nothing to offer otherwise. Still, I missed you–
    Kathy

    Reply

    • Lisa Wields Words
      Oct 24, 2011 @ 08:45:19

      Thanks Kathy. I’m trying to work through my emotional maze right now, but I appreciate your kind words.

      Lisa

      Reply

  14. kelworthfiles
    Oct 29, 2011 @ 17:02:58

    Belated ‘welcome back’s!

    Reply

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